Tupper & early Victorian marriage

In 1865 Karl Marx wrote a "confession" in which he set out his personal likes and dislikes. His responded to the category of "aversion" with the name of a long forgotten Englishman, Martin Tupper. 

Who was this man Marx disliked more than any other? He was a poet who wrote an immensely influential work called Proverbial Philosophy (first published in 1838 it went through forty editions and sold over 200,000 copies in the UK).

Tupper as a young boy

For the early Victorians Proverbial Philosophy was regarded as a source of lessons in life and was sometimes gifted to young couples on their wedding day. I thought it might be interesting to read the section on marriage in the book, to gauge the quality of advice being dispensed. I did so and I'm pleased to report that Tupper's approach to marriage is generally very insightful: I think many modern readers would consider him "based" to use a modern term. 

Tupper was a sincere Christian. He is therefore something of a role model for Christians, in the sense that he was able to combine his faith with a high degree of worldly wisdom. He combined an idealism about marriage with a grounded realism. 

Tupper aged 40

I'd like to go through his advice section by section, with some commentary of my own. This will take some time, but I'm confident that readers will find points of interest along the way. 

The advice begins as follows:

Seek a good wife of thy God, for she is the best gift of His providence;
Yet ask not in bold confidence that which He hath not promised:
Thou knowest not His good will:—be thy prayer then submissive there-unto;
And leave thy petition to His mercy, assured that He will deal well with thee.
If thou art to have a wife of thy youth, she is now living on the earth;
Therefore think of her, and pray for her weal; yea, though thou hast not seen her.
They that love early become like-minded, and the tempter toucheth them not:
They grow up leaning on each other, as the olive and the vine.
Youth longeth for a kindred spirit, and yearneth for a heart that can commune with his own;

The significant part of this begins with the line "They that love early become like-minded, and the tempter toucheth them not". It is an observation that at a certain age our youthful passions propel us to want a close connection with the opposite sex and that we are less hardened into a separate self and more able to blend into a common life together.

He meditateth night and day, doting on the image of his fancy.
Take heed that what charmeth thee is real, nor springeth of thine own imagination;
And suffer not trifles to win thy love; for a wife is thine unto death.
The harp and the voice may thrill thee,—sound may enchant thine ear,
But consider thou, the hand will wither, and the sweet notes turn discord:
The eye, so brilliant at even, may be red with sorrow in the morning;
And the sylph-like form of elegance must writhe in the crampings of pain.

This is good advice. Men sometimes do not vet a future wife well, despite the importance of doing so. They can fall for false charms, or their infatuated minds can project qualities onto the woman that aren't really there, or they can be charmed by overly superficial qualities.

O happy lot, and hallowed, even as the joy of angels,
Where the golden chain of godliness is entwined with the roses of love:
But beware thou seem not to be holy, to win favour in the eyes of a creature,
For the guilt of the hypocrite is deadly, and winneth thee wrath elsewhere.
The idol of thy heart is, as thou, a probationary sojourner on earth;
Therefore be chary of her soul, for that is the jewel in her casket:
Let her be a child of God, that she bring with her a blessing to thy house,—
A blessing above riches, and leading contentment in its train:
Let her be an heir of Heaven; so shall she help thee on thy way:
For those who are one in faith, fight double-handed against evil.

This is the kernel of the advice that Tupper gives. He believes that a genuinely godly wife is more likely to bring "a blessing to thy house". He uses a poetic line to express this "For those who are one in faith, fight double-handed against evil". It is similar to the advice given by a much earlier English poet, Sir Thomas Overbury in his poem of 1613 titled "A Wife". Overbury thinks a man should most value "good" in a wife rather than birth, beauty and wealth: "For good (like fire) turnes all things to be so./Gods image in her soule, O let me place/My love upon! not Adams in her face....By good I would have holy understood,/So God she cannot love, but also me".

It is difficult to disagree. Marriage cannot rest on ordinary feeling alone, as this is prone to be unstable. When our commitments instead are tied to our deeper faith, then they are much more likely to be durable. 

Take heed lest she love thee before God; that she be not an idolater:
Yet see thou that she love thee well: for her heart is the heart of woman;
And the triple nature of humanity must be bound by a triple chain,
For soul and mind and body—godliness, esteem, and affection.

The first line is also good advice. If a woman loves you "before God" she is likely to expect the things from you that rightly belong to God - and that you cannot possibly deliver. I have written about this previously - that there are women who expect a husband to be a divine therapist who can release her from core childhood wounds (omnipotence), or who expect a husband to intuit her needs before she herself knows she has them (omniscience). This places too great a weight upon the marriage, a weight it will not be able to bear. 

And the last line is also well expressed. There ideally will be godliness when it comes to the soul; esteem (respect) for the husband when it comes to the mind; and affection (physical love) when it comes to the body. If any of these are missing there is a weak link that will prove detrimental. Think, for instance, of women who settle for men they have no physical affection for, and what kind of marriages usually result. 

How beautiful is modesty! it winneth upon all beholders:
But a word or a glance may destroy the pure love that should have been for thee.
Affect not to despise beauty: no one is freed from its dominion;
But regard it not a pearl of price:—it is fleeting as the bow in the clouds.
If the character within be gentle, it often hath its index in the countenance:
The soft smile of a loving face is better than splendour that fadeth quickly.

He is being realistic here in acknowledging that men are attracted to beauty in women. He is warning, though, that physical beauty eventually fades, and he notes something that others have observed, namely that a gentle character in women comes to be written on the face. The famous author Roald Dahl wrote along similar lines that,

If a person has ugly thoughts, it begins to show on the face. And when that person has ugly thoughts every day, every week, every year, the face gets uglier and uglier until you can hardly bear to look at it.

A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick-out teeth, but if you have good thoughts it will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.

Tupper continues,

When thou choosest a wife, think not only of thyself,
But of those God may give thee of her, that they reproach thee not for their being:
See that He hath given her health, lest thou lose her early and weep:
See that she springeth of a wholesome stock, that thy little ones perish not before thee:
For many a fair skin hath covered a mining disease,
And many a laughing cheek been bright with the glare of madness.

The Victorians were aware of hereditary traits. Tupper is warning that we are to consider the traits we will pass on to our children. We should look for physical health in her family, but also an absence of mental illness (the word "mining" is used here in an older sense of "ruin in a subterranean way").

Mark the converse of one thou lovest, that it be simple and sincere;
For an artful or false woman shall set thy pillow with thorns.
Observe her deportment with others, when she thinketh not that thou art nigh,
For with thee will the blushes of love conceal the true colour of her mind.

This is an early version of "see how she treats the wait staff". Tupper hits on something important here in the last line. Most women will treat a man well in the early stages of courtship, when you are promising her something that she seeks, and when her disposition to you will be at its most favourable. What is more revealing are the longer term trends in her character, as revealed in her past history (though it can be difficult to estimate this history based on her own testimony). 

Hath she learning? it is good, so that modesty go with it:
Hath she wisdom? it is precious, but beware that thou exceed;
For woman must be subject, and the true mastery is of the mind.
Be joined to thine equal in rank, or the foot of pride will kick at thee;

Interesting. Tupper thinks it good for a woman to have learning and wisdom, but that it can be a problem if a woman exceeds her husband in this, because if she is mentally superior to her husband he will not be able to lead. What Tupper is getting at here is something like the concept of hypergamy, in which a woman wants to marry up, i.e., to be with a man she can look up to and admire. If she cannot do this, there is a risk she will lose respect for him and with it her capacity to love.

And look not only for riches, lest thou be mated with misery:
Marry not without means; for so shouldst thou tempt Providence;
But wait not for more than enough; for Marriage is the DUTY of most men:

He strongly cautions against marrying for money. Men should have some resources before marrying, but not wait too long. The one thing I'd note here is that this runs against the feminist narrative that marriage at this time was based on financial considerations alone - here we have a leading Victorian influencer telling his readers that money should not be a primary concern.

Grievous indeed must be the burden that shall outweigh innocence and health,
And a well-assorted marriage hath not many cares.
In the day of thy joy consider the poor; thou shall reap a rich harvest of blessing;
For these be the pensioners of One who filleth thy cup with pleasures:
In the day of thy joy be thankful: He hath well deserved thy praise:
Mean and selfish is the heart that seeketh Him only in sorrow.
For her sake who leaneth on thine arm, court not the notice of the world,
And remember that sober privacy is comelier than public display.

This is a more difficult passage. One message here is to turn to God in thanks for your blessings in marriage, rather than only turning to God when things are difficult. The last line perhaps reflects an earlier belief that public displays of affection are unseemly and should be kept private.

If thou marriest, thou art allied unto strangers; see they be not such as shame thee:
If thou marriest, thou leavest thine own; see that it be not done in anger.

The first line reflects an earlier ethos in which poor individual behaviour reflected badly not only on the individual, but might also damage the reputation of the family. So Tupper wants his readers to consider the character not only of the wife, but also of her wider family that the husband will be associated with.

Bride and bridegroom, pilgrims of life, henceforward to travel together,
In this the beginning of your journey, neglect not the favour of Heaven:
Let the day of hopes fulfilled be blest by many prayers,
And at eventide kneel ye together, that your joy be not unhallowed:
Angels that are round you shall be glad, those loving ministers of mercy,
And the richest blessings of your God shall be poured on His favoured children.
Marriage is a figure and an earnest of holier things unseen,
And reverence well becometh the symbol of dignity and glory.

I like the line here "Marriage is a figure and an earnest of holier things unseen". The word "earnest" means "a foretaste of what is to follow". 

Keep thy heart pure, lest thou do dishonour to thy state;
Selfishness is base and hateful; but love considereth not itself.
The wicked turneth good into evil, for his mind is warped within him;
But the heart of the righteous is chaste: his conscience casteth off sin.

There is a lot in these four lines. First, that marriage requires both spouses to consider the good of the other. I have argued this many times on social media, often without success. For instance, there was a trend a while ago for women to argue that wives should never do things for their husband. I objected as follows: 

But I failed to persuade my opponent:

Even more significantly, Tupper is aware that much hinges on the quality of mind of the spouses - that a mind can be "warped" and so turn good into evil. This is why the original choice of spouse is so important, as the goodness of one spouse can fall onto barren ground and the marriage can fail regardless of their efforts. This is a much more realistic view than the commentary you sometimes hear that "all you have to do is to be nice and your efforts will be rewarded many times over".

If thou wilt be loved, render implicit confidence;
If thou wouldst not suspect, receive full confidence in turn:
For where trust is not reciprocal, the love that trusted withereth.
Hide not your grief nor your gladness; be open one with the other;
Let bitterness be strange unto your tongues, but sympathy a dweller in your hearts:
Imparting halveth the evils, while it doubleth the pleasures of life,
But sorrows breed and thicken in the gloomy bosom of Reserve.

The first part of this passage is about marriage being a high trust institution. This is why the experience of betrayal hurts the institution so much - it leads to "emotional unavailability" and an unwillingness to make the commitments that marriage requires. In the second part of the passage, Tupper counsels that the spouses be open with each other. I think this is true in the context he gives: that issues should be aired and communicated rather than held in reserve and allowed to fester. But it may not be true that men should communicate everything about themselves openly to their wife. Women sometimes find it more attractive if the man retains a part of himself that is more difficult to read. 

YOUNG wife, be not froward, nor forget that modesty becometh thee:
If it be discarded now, who will not hold it feigned before?

Froward means "difficult to deal with". Tupper is suggesting to young wives that if they change in this way after the marriage that people will assume that a kind of underhanded "bait and switch" has been employed. 

But be not as a timid girl,—there is honour due to thine estate
A matron's modesty is dignified: she blusheth not, neither is she bold.
Be kind to the friends of thine husband, for the love they have to him:
And gently bear with his infirmities: hast thou no need of his forbearance?

The last line is interesting. Tupper is reminding women that they should be a little forgiving of their husband's faults, as he surely must also be forgiving of hers. 

Be not always in each other's company; it is often good to be alone;
And if there be too much sameness, ye cannot but grow weary of each other

This is good advice - that there is a right amount of time to be together and time to be apart. I would add to this that in a balanced life we would spend a certain amount of time in male spaces (or for women female spaces) and a certain amount of time with our families.

Ye have each a soul to be nourished, and a mind to be taught in wisdom,
Therefore, as accountable for time, help one another to improve it.
If ye feel love to decline, track out quickly the secret cause;
Let it not rankle for a day, but confess and bewail it together:
Speedily seek to be reconciled, for love is the life of marriage;
And be ye co-partners in triumph, conquering the peevishness of self.

You sometimes hear the claim that until very recent times marriage was just about property and that women were nothing more than chattel. Yet here we have a very influential Victorian era writer asserting that "love is the life of marriage" and that it is therefore important not to allow resentments to build that might undermine this love.

Let no one have thy confidence, O wife, saving thine husband:
Have not a friend more intimate, O husband, than thy wife.
In the joy of a well-ordered home be warned that this is not your rest;
For the substance to come may be forgotten in the present beauty of the shadow.
If ye are blessed with children, ye have a fearful pleasure,
A deeper care and a higher joy, and the range of your existence is widened:
If God in wisdom refuse them, thank Him for an unknown mercy:
For how can ye tell if they might be a blessing or a curse?
Yet ye may pray, like Hannah, simply dependent on His will:
Resignation sweeteneth the cup, but impatience dasheth it with vinegar.
Now this is the sum of the matter:—if ye will be happy in marriage,
Confide, love, and be patient: be faithful, firm, and holy.

There is a positive attitude to parenthood here, as a blessing that brings both a deeper care and a higher joy and that widens the range of existence.

That concludes Tupper's advice to newlyweds. Tupper, like other early Victorian writers I have read, took marriage very seriously, enough to think through what was required to make a marriage work. There was no easy Disney "happily ever after" that was simply owed to someone. Marriage required prudence in choice of spouse, and thereafter it required an active orientation to virtue and faith.

Finally, please note that Tupper did not believe that women were incapable of moral guidance. Tupper appealed to both sexes in giving his advice and understood women to have a share in the mission to create loving marital unions.