Monday, July 16, 2012

Timing matters

I first wrote about Bibi Lynch a couple of years ago. She was then 44 and still single and childless:
I am staring down the barrel of a lonely future without a man, let alone children.

And how do I find myself in this perilous position? One reason is undoubtedly that men like young women. Yes, I was young once and all that. In my 20s and 30s I wasn't exactly a supermodel, but I was constantly surrounded by men. The trouble is I wasn't necessarily looking to settle down back then...

She has now had to accept that she is too old to have children of her own. And it has made her desolate:
I can't tell you how painful not having a child is...It physically hurts me. Right where a baby would grow.

It is overwhelming to know that my legacy begins and ends with me. So no "family gathering" photographs of me and mine with my siblings and theirs; no proudly watching my kid grow up; no natural place in life's cycle. You, mums, have created the next generation. A new wonderful lineage – of children and probably grandchildren – who are yours and you are theirs.

If you think these are the bitter rantings of a woman who f... up her own life and is just jealous … you'd be 100% right. It kills me that you have the baby and I don't. Why didn't it happen for me? I always wanted children, assumed I would have children and didn't have children because I was only ever in one relationship that was serious enough...

At 40, still on my own, I found out I was too old for NHS IVF, had no money and so put my head in the "I'm always reading about women who have babies in their 40s!" sand.

Then my dad died. Grief reassessed my life for me. (People want to create when someone dies. A book, a painting, a child.) I got brave and had fertility tests, which told me, at 46, that my chances of having a baby are pretty much zero.

Then it hit me just how much I wanted a baby and that nothing I have now means anything because that love is the love and I don't have it and won't have it, and therefore have nothing.

That love is the key, isn't it? The reason I'm so upset – and the reason mums should be so grateful. We're told the love between mother and child is the most beautiful, fulfilling emotion in the world – the feeling that finally makes sense of our existence. I don't know because I haven't experienced it – but if the agony of knowing I won't have it is any yardstick, then I would change every decision I ever made that led me to this horrible place.

I've had people I love die in front of me, but even that horror doesn't compare. This rips you (and your future) apart because, as my friend who has been through this said, as I wept over her once again: "You won't heal – because this is deep in you. What you're supposed to do. What's inside us to do. What we're born to do. And you didn't do it."

I will never be pregnant, never be protected by the father of my child, never be loved as the mother of his child, never love like you love, and never be loved as you're loved. I will never mean as much to anyone as you do.

That's one of the problems with delayed family formation. Middle-class women get only a small window of opportunity (30 to 35) in which they are supposed to get serious about finding a husband and then having children before their fertility begins to run down. It's inevitable that significant numbers of women will miss out unnecessarily, particularly those who drift through the critical small window of opportunity.

In the United States now 25% of university educated women aged 40 to 44 are childless. That compares to a general rate of childlessness in the post-War boom of about 10%.

At the moment 30 is thought to be the crunch time for middle-class women, but it would be wiser if this were brought back a few years, to give a more realistic period of time for meeting someone, going out, getting engaged, getting married and then having children.

That makes more sense than a last minute rush, when women (and men) have perhaps become habituated to a singles lifestyle, when 30-something women will be competing with a younger cohort of women, and when men have not been given a clear signal to prepare for the roles of husband and father.


  1. By the time they hit the fertility wall, how many men did they shun throughout the years? It's a double edged sword. The thought of reaching the wall and belief men will still be around to settle is a fantasy. Especially for many women who did a lot of damage to men along the way.

    Women are not nice in their peak years sometimes. Especially when the popular culture being promoted and social reality are two different things. And the men who are disposable during that time, sometimes are left cynical and jaded and never recover as a result. Hence why MGTOW or PUA are gaining in popularity with many.

  2. I should feel pity for this lady but for some reason I can't seem to find it...

  3. I preface this comment by qualifying my stance against much of the expressions of the "manosphere." All too often these expressions are characterized by a blanket, and seemingly principled, hatred and bitterness against women as a sex. Whatever the reason behind the bitterness, I acknowledge that such expressions, and the dispositions behind them, are not good and should be actively opposed inasmuch as they truly do represent hatred of the female sex, which is really a despair for all of humanity.

    At the same time, when I read Mark Richardson's valuable analysis of Bibi Lynch here, resembling so many accounts of other women in similar states he has chronicled at this blog that they are becoming difficult to count, I wonder if much of the expression that gets labeled as simply bitterness against women that we see in the so-called "manosphere" is at least partly a natural, legitimate, and healthy desire to see "retribution," or "things set right again."

    We might be grateful for the testimony of painful loss that is given voice by Lynch and her peers; after all, it seems at the very least to suggest legitimacy to the claims of traditionalists in regard to their appeal to humanity to acknowledge and accept biological sex differences.

    But there is something else large that also seems to cry out as unresolved after she has finished giving voice to all her grievances. We can be glad for the validation her account gives to traditionalists, such as it is, but never in these sob stories is so much as an acknowledgment of damage caused to others by one's reckless decisions, much less a desire to set things right from that damage. In this these feminists show themselves only sorry that they were "caught," and not truly cognizant of any wrong they have done. They are like the sulky schoolyard kid who wrecks a game of ball for everyone playing by refusing to play by the rules, and then when called to account for it, insists he was only playing a joke and shouldn't be taken so seriously.

  4. Notice that her complaint is the wail of a self-obsessed narcissist -- I won't be touched, I won't be loved, I won't get what I want, "my legacy begins and ends with me," I, I, I, I, ME, ME, ME, ME. Geez it's like listening to my toddler scream "MY!" as she reaches for something she can't have.

    Nothing about the love she wants to give to a husband or a child. And she doesn't even know that her selfishness is undoubtedly the main reason she is manless and childless.

  5. Women are not nice in their peak years sometimes. Especially when the popular culture being promoted and social reality are two different things. And the men who are disposable during that time, sometimes are left cynical and jaded and never recover as a result.

    I think that's correct. It's another reason why the "mark time until your 30s" message to women causes harm - it's not the case that all men are going to stubbornly wait around as potential husbands and fathers. My own brother, who would have made a great family man (good with kids, good work ethic, intelligent, creative etc) was one of the men who dropped out.

  6. Feh's assesment is spot on. Modern society is made up largely of narcissists & psychopaths, or as the old writers & Doctors would say, it's made up of those who are hardened in sin. At any rate they've made their own bed, let them lie in it. Sin is its own punishment. It's the same with those who bewail the fact of Mohammedans having so many children that they'll outnumber the native Europeans presently. They (collectively speaking of course) chose to abort & contracept their own race out of existence, so that they could wallow in filth like the lowest beasts. They've no one to blame but themselves. As far as what's going to happen next, they've got it coming. This whole open sewer of a world has got it coming. The ever-worsening depression is only the beginning. When the castigation of Our Lord is finally poured out in its fullness, the pride of modern man & his worthless amoral society will have been smashed to bits like the vile cockroach that it is.

  7. Anon,

    Well I agree that it's likely that the modern *liberal* West won't survive. But we have to be focused positively as well on what we are going to do to salvage whatever we can of the remains. If we love our tradition, then we'll want to wrest the best part of it, the remnant, from the control of liberals and steer it in a more positive direction.

    Things do change. Out here in the outer suburbs of Melbourne, young people are not waiting until their 30s. They're marrying in their early 20s. The chances of these young people going on to have children is very high. There is going to be a new generation.

    And even with the trendy, inner-city middle-class things have improved a bit. Back in the late 80s and early 90s, the understanding was that women would defer family formation until their late 30s. At least now, that age has dropped back to 30. And maybe as the Bibi Lynch stories start to hit home, some middle-class women will think it safer to try a bit earlier.

  8. I'm glad to hear that Mr. Richardson. Perhaps this small remnant will grow as the situation worsens. In the event of a catastrophic collapse of some kind, which I think unavoidable at this point due to the enormities that have been done, this remnant will bring forth a new Catholic civilization on the ruins, rather like the Irish monks & the Franks of Charlemagne helped to raise up the glorious mediaeval civilization which saw the construction of the great cathedrals, the Thomistic philosophy &c. May God grant that it would be so in His mercy.

  9. Mark:
    "There is going to be a new generation."

    That's good to hear. :)

    I had a vision of the ending of 'Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome' there... :)

    "Back in the late 80s and early 90s, the understanding was that women would defer family formation until their late 30s. At least now, that age has dropped back to 30. "

    Yes, I think it's possible that white Europeans might be over the worst of the demographic winter, though too late for many (my son has no first cousins), and the consequences are still to play out.

  10. Yes, she will never know what it's like to be pregnant, never know what it's like to get divorced and get most of the assets. Never know what it's like to diss her husband, never know what it's like to have the child in daycare. I can go on, but your readers know.

  11. I'm sorry Marc, but no one makes anyone 'Drop Out'

    If a man 'drops out' that is his own problem, his own choice.

    And if you are hanging around women that cause you to 'drop out' that is the same phenomena as the women hanging out with the bad boy types.

    I have a friend who has 'dropped out' but I asked him "would you get a job if this girl dated you" *referencing hot chick* and he said "YES!"

    And I'm sitting there next to him...a single female....going 'Uh I'm sitting next to you single and desperate and you won't lift a finger for me? Got the message loud and clear buddy!'

  12. Continued from above...

    The bigger problem honestly is the man woman college ratio.

    As a single roaming female...Biggest problem because if a man doesn't have a degree and you do...your like "uhhh...uhhhh....what type of family is he he smart...what about socioeconomic status etc etc"

    This is Devastating. I'm VERY biased against men without college degrees (hey I majored in hardcore math/physics so don't give me any crap)

    I see my male friend's babies (men who at one point rejected me) and I see how Smart the Child is! How alert. Then I compare the child to the child of the non-educated guy's brother and there is such a difference in alertness!

    It scares me! I can see the difference!!!!

    This is what I did this weekend, stress out about the IQ of babies.

    You know the Pope told women to settle for 2nd best....but that is hard when you can clearly see the IQ differences and you know your kids will be slower than the kids of your peers if you were to marry the 'second best' dude.

  13. Australia's population growth is fueled by immigration and immigrant fertility not white Christians reproducing.

    The number of women having no children in their lifetime is rising- currently it is 1 in 4 yet the Total Fertility Rate is also rising, meaning immigrants are reproducing at much higher rates than Aussies.

    Meet the ‘TWITs' - Teenage Women In Their Thirties

    Old article but relevant, good meme to spread, TWITs.

  14. Anonymous,
    No matter whom you marry, your children will be slower than someone else's children. They will also be less athletic, less handsome, less popular. So what? Unless you go out of your way to marry a degenerate moron, your children will likely be somewhere near normal and capable of satisfying, useful lives. If you're worried that you will find such children very dull company, I can only say that stimulating conversation is rare with children, even when they are highly intelligent. This will not matter because you will love them and they are cute and funny. By the time they are old enough to have mature conversations in which intelligence makes a big difference, they won't be spending much time talking to you. If, after they've settled down, you have the good fortune to be on good terms with your children, they may notice that your conversation is not as sparkling as it once was. I suggest you relax about this. If you're worried about the IQ of the next generation, you should do your best to see your genes expressed in it.

  15. Men should try and have their kids by their late 20's or early 30's. I've have 3 beautiful kids but started too late. Would like to be a decade younger to enjoy the kids with good health and some more energy.

  16. The short version of JMSmith's advice:

    The IQ of a kid you don't have is zero.

    Go back in your family tree. Do you think every one of your male ancestors, into the dawn of time, was "smart" and "alert"? I can assure you that they were not. If even one of your female ancestors had declined to breed with her husband because he wasn't "smart" and "alert"... you wouldn't be here.

  17. Excellent advice to anonymous, JMSmith and anon #2.

  18. Exactly...but when you're in your late 20s and you think 'well I still have time, I'll hold out to see if something better comes along'

    Bingo, problem. Time keeps on slippin' slippin' into the future...

    Dude, guys if I'm on this site, it means I basically agree with you guys.

    The declining socio-economic status of males is a BIG problem, and it affects even my own thinking. I try not to be like that, but when money is involved and a woman has to be pregnant for 3 years out of her life...Having a guy with a good steady income who can help you when you most need it is very important.

    (P.S.- The high IQ baby already has the smarmy attitude of his smarmy lawyer father, so yes there are more important things than IQ...but I would like my kids to beat his kids in life)

  19. And it has made her desolate.

    Sow to the wind, reap the whirlwind.

  20. And I'm sitting there next to him...a single female....going 'Uh I'm sitting next to you single and desperate and you won't lift a finger for me? Got the message loud and clear buddy!'

    What is wrong with you that you can't inspire a good man?

  21. "What is wrong with you that you can't inspire a good man?"

    A question she's asked herself a thousand times. But I'm sure she appreciates your asking it for the thousand and first.

    Attraction is a funny thing. I've known women who were stuck up feminist she-banshees whom I was not attracted to. No mystery there. I've also known sweet, kind, Christian women whom I wasn't attracted to. Wish I had been.

    And the reverse is true. I liked a girl back in high school who flat out told me she wouldn't date me because I didn't have enough muscle. I wasn't a rail, but she was into body builders I guess. She changed her mind junior year and wanted me to ask her to prom. I made her wait until two weeks before the dance, haha.

    What's that poem by Heine--Ein Jüngling liebt ein Mädchen? That's life.

    I'm single right now. I'm a guy, so age isn't as big of a problem, but no girl wants to date a geezer. Approaching thirty, I'm running low on time too. So what do you do, anon? Act like a man (or woman) and pray like you've never prayed before. God will provide.

  22. @Bartholomew

    "I'm single right now. I'm a guy, so age isn't as big of a problem, but no girl wants to date a geezer. Approaching thirty, I'm running low on time too. So what do you do, anon? Act like a man (or woman) and pray like you've never prayed before. God will provide."


    "98 percent a market conditions and just 2 percent immutable desires. Proposals to date tall, short, fat, thin, professional, clerical, educated, uneducated people are all more than nine-tenths governed by what's on offer that night. In the battle between the cynics and the romantics, the cynics win hands down.

    Who you propose a date to is largely a function of who happens to be sitting in front of you."

    Join a social group populated by the kind of women you desire. By surrounding yourself with the kind of women you desire you put yourself into the pool from which those women will be choosing their mates.

    It might also be worth it to pay attention to the type of personality characteristics the woman possesses. I would imagine a women low to moderate in openness, high in conscientiousness and agreeableness, low to moderate in neuroticism, and moderate in extraversion would be the best bet for a loyal, loving and faithful wife/long-term partner.

    Also, see a lawyer about the potential hazards of moving into/living/marrying a female partner and most definitely get a pre-nup.

    It would also pay to read through these:

  23. That's an interesting statistic, Chris. Thanks for the read.

  24. In my 20s I found most women I knew and spent time with were one or more of the following: narcissistic, commitment-phobic, weird or overly picky (when they weren't exactly perfect themselves... what I call the Princess attitude).

    My problem was that I wasn't cool enough or played sport. Even though I was on >$100K, reliable and loyal (hey too much like dog ?)

    I finally got married in my mid 30s to a wonderful, balanced and godly woman who still amazes me. Now in my 40s I couldn't be happier