Monday, April 01, 2013

Single, smart over 40

From a Perth newspaper:
THEY'RE single, smart and successful, but these over-40 Perth women can't find a decent man.

East Perth hairdresser Tanya Durham, 46, says she's been on so many dud dates she's stopped trying.

And events manager Kerryn Lambert was stood up on Monday night after waiting 45 minutes at a bar for a date to show up. To make it worse, it was the eve of her 40th birthday.

Ms Durham, who has never married, said being in her mid-40s limited the range of eligible men.

"I don't mind going out with younger guys, but they want children, so that market is out, and a lot of guys over 40 are going for girls under-30, because they don't think they're 40," she said.

Part of the problem was that men didn't want independent women.

"We're looking for guys because we want to have them in our life, not because we need to have them," she said. "But there are a lot of guys who want to feel needed. And they're the guys that we won't possibly attract."

Most men who registered for online dating websites were creeps, she said.

"One guy had a 10-year-old photo of himself on his online profile. When I met up with him, he was morbidly obese," she said. Ms Lambert said online dating had given men too much choice.

"It's just one big, easy fishing pond," she said.

Public relations professional Nicki Williams, 45, said there was definitely a shortage of eligible men in their 40s and 50s in Perth.

"If you're serious about settling down with someone, you're not looking at the 35-year-olds for long-term prospects. You're looking at somebody who is more settled and has possibly been married, so they're in the same situation as you," the twice-married mother of two said.

"If you want to settle down, it needs to be with someone over 40 and there aren't that many of them out there."

Ms Williams said that though she'd love to meet someone, she didn't need a man to provide for her because she was financially stable.

"I don't want to end up old and alone, but I'm not desperate and dateless, so to speak," she said.

Debbie Rivers, who runs Dare to Date, which organises social events for singles, said it was a challenge to get men over 40 to attend her events.They were often hurt by previous relationships and unwilling to give anything a go.

First, there's the issue pointed to by Debbie Rivers. A middle-aged woman who divorces her first husband and expects to find a large pool of available replacements is likely to be disappointed as many single men in her age category will have been similarly hurt by divorce and wary of trying again.

Second, there's the age differential issue. An attractive 40-something man can probably look to a 30-something woman for a future wife. But even if a 40-something woman is attractive enough to appeal to younger men, she's less likely to see them as husband material.

Third, these women are part of my own generation. They were brought up to believe that although it was OK to want a man, it was wrong to have the attitude that they needed one, as that would violate the idea of the independent woman. But as Tanya Durham admits, a lot of men don't want to be unnecessary to the woman they marry. Many men do, in particular, want their efforts to provide to be necessary in supporting their family - that's what gives their work much of its meaning.

All of which leads to this conclusion: it's important for women to marry in a timely way and to do what they can to make the marriage work, as trying to find love in your 40s will be very much more difficult than in your 20s.

I have to say that the women I work with don't seem to need this advice right now. There has been a wave of marriages followed by another one of babies in the past few years amongst the staff at my school. The women speak openly of their determination to start their families whilst still in their 20s. I think they're being smart in giving themselves the best chance to get the highest quality husband they can and to have time to have children. And they do seem to be very loyal to their husbands - I've never heard them put them down in conversation.

It's not a representative sample of the population, but it makes me think there are chances right now for young men here in Australia to find marriageable women - the situation seems better now than it was twenty years ago.


  1. Although part of this issue is ideological, there are also geographic/demographic considerations. Most large cities have a surplus of middle class females relative to males, since women tend to dominate urban service jobs, while men outnumber women in rural areas.

    Hence even if these women were more tradition in their social views, they still might struggle to find men with similar incomes, backgrounds etc.

    It was hoped that the rise of the Internet would lead to more office work being outsourced to small towns and cities, but so far it hasn't happened

  2. If all I wanted was a wife, these ladies would probably be ok. However, I want a family, so I'm not interested in anyone over 35. Since I'm 55, that's not going to happen either.

  3. No offense to hairdressers, but "smart and successful" is not the way I'd describe most of them. No doubt Tanya is the exception...

    If all I wanted was a wife, these ladies would probably be ok.

    If you're into ancient, shrill harpies with a strong sense of entitlement maybe.

  4. I'd shorten it to single and 40.

  5. The odd thing is that Perth should be te man capital of Australia, given the mining in WA.

    What I have noticed is that an awful number of the men they crave at that age are with Asian wives.

  6. Must laugh at Ms. Durham lamenting that she was hoodwinked and deceived by a man through on-line dating. I imagine that is just as much the purview of the women frequenting those sites. Has she asked herself why a morbidly obese man, who would almost undoubtedly have self esteem issues, would choose her? I doubt it as that would most likely require serious reflection upon her market value.

    As for the hurt men I can tell you where a lot of them are - Asia, like anon above said. This is much to my chagrin as their little miscegenates will be the beneficiaries of affirmative action at the expense of my families future generations.

    Unfortunately stupid selfish women and effete men have been the ruination of us whites.

  7. Apropo of nothing in particular, as it is still Easter in BKK...

    "He is not here: for He is risen, as He said. Come, see the place where the Lord lay." Matthew 28:6

    Earthly "freedom" is NOT what traditionalists and conservatives should be supporting. Freedom as the primary agenda inevitably morphs into license and narcissism.

    What we should be championing instead is ordered liberty, i.e., the pursuit of optimality. We live in the reality of an imperfect world, where there are always trade-offs, personal choices, responsibilities, and results. But just like Satan himself, leftists tempt the ignorant and naïve with delusions of pure autonomy. “Demand your rights” they insist, “and you shall be free.”

    Radical autonomy promises personal freedom, but in the end it is simply the license to avoid choosing good from evil and any true value derived thereof.

    Radical autonomy must inevitably chew up each next bit of traditional society in order to destroy it.

    Radical autonomy casts the individual adrift on an endless sea of ultimately meaningless choices. He is left with no traditions that could anchor him to his family, his culture, his religion, or his society. His existence has no choice but to sink into narcissism.

    Ordered liberty, NOT freedom, is the only way to achieve an optimal balance between individual choice and a meaningful society.

    The sordid beauty of liberalism is that you are allowed to deform the language in whatever way you feel, so as to avoid ever acknowledging the horrendous real-world ramifications of your poisoned policies. "In the Beginning was the Word..." And who would be most likely to distort the word, if not Satan himself? In the final analysis, the left have surrendered to evil.

    Come let us rejoice! Rejoice in the Lord, who is the Truth, the only Way to perfect freedom!

  8. If she was truly smart about herself, she wouldn't be single over 40 in the first place, unless it was a good reason.

  9. "...the situation seems better now than it was twenty years ago."

    I just wish Australia would stop selling itself like a whore to China.

  10. I remember this piece from a year ago, on the shortage of older, eligible men in Melbourne:

    The music has stopped, and there aren't enough chairs for everyone.

  11. Part of the problem was that men didn't want independent women.

    What’s the other part of the problem, sweetie?

    We're looking for guys because we want to have them in our life, not because we need to have them ... said that though she'd love to meet someone, she didn't need a man

    Why exactly do you ‘want’ them in your life then; precisely why would you ‘love’ to meet someone?

    I don't want to end up old and alone, but I'm not desperate and dateless, so to speak

    Why are you so afraid to end up ‘old and alone’, if you’re so independent, so to speak?

    online dating had given men too much choice ... It's just one big, easy fishing pond

    Behold the wonders of the female solipsist mind.

  12. I thought 'choice' was a key tenet of the liberal faith.

  13. "Part of the problem was that men didn't want independent women"

    yeah that's what you and your Medea have been bleating at the world for thirty years now, as you forced the Evil Males out of education and employment to Serve Yourselves

    now that you're O-L-D and A-L-O-N-E your only comfort is to repeat the same lies, over and over, to yourselves ... and further persecute men and boys to "make yourselves feel better"

    "But there are a lot of guys who want to feel needed."

    the assholes

    but cheerie dearie! you and your goons surely will pass legislation to rememdy THAT little problem!

    now that you can force males to DO anything you want, the next step is forcing them to FEEL anything you want

    may you and your Fempires rot in hell together

    with your Mutual Affirmation Devices, so you can inform each other of what you're FEELING at every moment

  14. I thought 'choice' was a key tenet of the liberal faith.
    Only when it's a euphemism for killing the unwanted, through abortion, infanticide and euthanasia.

  15. Well i am a 29 year old traditional Catholic woman & i will probably die alone sorrounded by cats.

    Why? because i refused to give into the slut culture in my early 20s so no man was interested in me. The secular ones only want a root & the Catholic men can be super picky because more women than men go to church. If you are not " perfect wife" material religious men are just not interested.

    I have tried online daiting both secular & Catholic & have found freaks on both. I am NOT attracted to older men. the thought of being with a man who is 40 or 50 makes me want to vomit. I would like someone my own age or younger.

    I dont want to date jerks or bad boys but those guys are the only ones that ask women on dates. "Nice guys" will drop hints & lead you on but they never make a move & as a Traditional woman i don't feel comfortable asking them.

  16. Anonymous above is probably a feminist troll in cafeteria Catholic clothing.

  17. I don't know, it can be confusing for everyone.

    I'm not sure, though, what anon means when she says she wants a man her own age or younger. Surely a man four or five years older would be OK? That's not a bad match: a 29-year-old woman with a mid-30s man as these are ages at which both men and women have to take family formation very seriously.

    If I were anon, I'd make sure that the non-player types knew that I was interested. If there's a decent guy you like, then don't ask him out but do make clear your interest.

    Anon, this is pure speculation on my part, but when you write that the nice guy types lead you on but then don't follow up it makes me wonder if they are putting out feelers but not getting enough of an encouraging response to take the plunge.

  18. i am not a feminist troll! i knew when i became catholic at age 19 that my chance of getting married went down. when i go to catholic events its like 4 women to 1 man.

    I don't know how much more obvious i can be with the "nice guys" apart from jumping up & down and taking my top off.

    the problem is that so many men have been feminised by the culture that they just don't have the guts to take a chance as ask a girl out.

    the modern dating culture is not just bad for 'nice guys' it has made it harder for 'nice girls' too. many men, even nice men do not want to date a woman who will not 'put out'. if you are a woman the choice is 'put out' or be dumped.

    i would not mind someone who is in the range of 35 to 25. im not fussy i just do not want to date someone the same age as my dad!

  19. anon:
    "the problem is that so many men have been feminised by the culture that they just don't have the guts to take a chance as ask a girl out."

    I think that is a problem. If you find a nice guy you're interested in, you are going to have to deal with that hurdle. You may want to slide him into a date via proposing a plausibly-denial activity, one that doesn't necessarily say 'date'. Something with other people around such as hillwalking or mixed-sex sports maybe, or a lecture, or art exhibition for that sort?
    If you can't stand the thought of making the first move you are likely to have trouble with hooking a good 'nice guy' -

  20. If the eligible men do outnumber the women, and display the reluctance typical of those spoiled for choice, then the women will have to be more aggressive to beat out the competition, while taking care to not slide into depraved behavior (which is both immoral and counter-productive). Do something with your style and figure, wear a warm smile (even more important than the right outfit), learn how to cook, strike up a conversation and show clear interest, etc. and yes... maybe give him your phone number or ask him out for coffee. The worst he'll do is LJBF you, and men seem to survive that well-enough. I survived it.

    I don't understand why a woman would prefer to die alone with cats than swallow her pride for 30 seconds. Pride is cold comfort.

  21. I don't know how much more obvious i can be with the "nice guys" apart from jumping up & down and taking my top off.

    I can empathize, truly, but it has less to do with "guts" than with the simple fact that they don't want us as much as we want them. (See my rooster analogy.) They've become relatively indifferent to marriage, especially with Western women, and with good reason. It just doesn't look like as good of a deal as it used to, so they've lost their eagerness for it and display a general reluctance and wariness.

    The same men we're tempted to lambaste for being "gutless" will board a plane to a foreign country and strike up a conversation with a strange woman who might not even properly speak his language. Not because he has low standards, but the contrary: he has very precise standards and those women fit them and we don't. Our feminist foremothers poisoned the well for us and now we suffer for it.

    Now, we can sit around and whine about it, and wait for them to change their opinion while our ovaries dry up, or we can meet their standard and spare them the flight by introducing ourselves before they can get on the plane.